Bristol

Some of my brothers mates had decided to give him a sort of testimonial football match in Bristol. They all went to university there and thought that it would be a good send off before he goes to live in Australia for an unknown period of time. I invited myself, it wasn't an inconvenience for me as I still don't have a job, or anybody else to that matter as we would be staying at my brothers mates house. I booked my coach there from Victoria coach station, on the national express. Out of being cheap, I chose a more complex option, my bro and a couple of his mates were going down at eleven, I booked mine for eleven thirty as it saved me a couple of pounds. I booked my return for seven, where as my brother and his mates had a ticket for five forty. Once again, it saved me a couple of pounds.

Everybody else got on the bus, I waited for mine. Mine came, it was a really crap old one, not a nice new one like the one before. The journey was fine, I listened to some music and read a book. When I arrived, I had no idea where I was, I had only been to Bristol a couple of times and that was ages ago. I called my brother and got directions from his mate to a café to meet up. I had a bit of trouble trying to find it but got there in the end. They had some tea and some food and we all left to go to start drinking. As my brothers mates say, 'we were about to board the para train'. I was up for getting drunk, I was very thirsty and fancied a beer or something. My brothers mate who lives in Bristol took us on a little drive. He took us to the waterfront to get a beer in one of the bars across from the docks. The bar was part of a gallery displaying very strange works. Some form of conceptual art that I don't have a care in the world for. The bar had the option of sitting on some bean bags. The weather was pretty good at the time, it wasn't too hot but the sun was shining. It was a million miles away from the pissing rain last night. The only thing with the bean bags was that you had to leave a credit card or something behind the counter, as a deposit I suppose so you didn't let anything happen to them. We put the bean bags out on the pavement overlooking the waterfront. From the way people were looking at us as they went passed made me feel as if we were some sort of art installation. I set up a 'self timed' photograph, it didn't quite work out. Nobody paid any attention to the camera and I didn't make it back in time to be in it. It looked funny and was of the moment so I kept it and didn't bother with another.

We went to another bar, somewhere else in the city. I ordered a cider and it was the most disgusting drink I have ever had, I paid for it though so had to finish it. I ended up finishing my brothers one too. We met up with an ex work colleague of my brother and his mates. While we were waiting, I noticed some pikey standing at the corner keeping an eye on everybody. There was an empty table covered in half finished pints and wine. He was eyeing it up for a while, when the people left, he darted over. He had been hanging around like a vulture hovering over a dead animal. He swooped in and helped himself. Without a care in the world, knowing that people all around were watching him do so. He proceeded in pouring all the left over drinks into a pint glass, he necked it, then flew away. We drank up and left. After the bar we went back to the house. We were driven a scenic route, we drove right underneath the Clifton suspension bridge. It is a great piece of civil engineering. It was good, we were driven around, I hadn't seen any of this before. The house was pretty nice, its quite a small two bed house but was nicely done up with hardwood floor and neutral décor. We all got ready, I changed my shirt. We all went round somebody's house briefly and I stood awkwardly then sat on a sofa not knowing any of them.

The time to go out was here, we were getting some food. I was perfectly happy to have a take away or some cheap fast food but the others had something a little more fancy in mind. We ate Wagamamas. The queue to get in was about twenty minutes, most of it spent outside in the pissing rain. The weather had taken a turn for the worse after a lovely afternoon. After we had full belly's we went to this bar called 'the coritap'. I had heard so much about it, all these stories about drunken nights on this extra strong cider, randomly named 'exhibition'. It was pretty sweet and didn't taste strong at all, it was only served in half pints, some crap thing I presume to make more money out of it. I think I worked though, I had a few and I could feel it. The place was so packed, so hot and stuffy and tight. We were in a corner right next to window but the window gave us no ventilation at all. The ex work colleague met us in there, then the people from the house we went round came out. We had some more exhibition then left, or were thrown at as the bar had now closed. We spent all night in the corner, when seat finally came free, the bar had closed.

The next bar was more of a bar/club thing with music and cocktails and a not as student crowd. It was packed again. All the bars and restaurants in Bristol seem to be packed. We stayed in there for some drinks, met some more people, I got given a shot bar the bar man, I asked for it but he gave me it for free. I won't complain about getting free alcohol. My brothers mate then proceeded to buy loads of shots, far too many than there actually was of us. He had a whole tray full of them. I think I can speak fro everybody when I say that we were all very drunk by this point. It was after leaving here I think that my brothers mate came out with the funniest thing. It is one of those things that is only funny in the moment but will live on because of the near stupidity of it. He called the ex work colleague 'a moist individual', moist, I don't think he meant in any sexual sense. He claimed it was down to her using of some coconut moisturiser. We left and tried a couple more bars, then went off somewhere completely different. I had no idea what was going on, I was very drunk and didn't recognise anything.

We ended up in this bar that I still believe to be a gay bar. The others weren't so sure but a lot of the staff were overly camp. Most of the clientèle were men, and camp men at that. I don't even remember buying a drink in there. Must have done though, we were in there for the rest of the night. The toilet of this place was a bit of a weird set up. There was no cubical in the male toilet, the urinals were in this tiny box room. When you piss with somebody next to you, you wouldn't be touching elbows, you would pretty much be holding each others dick. It would be the worst nightmare of any stage fright sufferers. I tried to keep going in there to a minimum but I have a bad bladder so I visited it on numerous occasions. This makes me sound gay, I know but I have a really bad problem with drinking and pissing. Out of drunkeness, I allowed my arm to be a canvas for a game called 'farmyard challenge', where you convert an image of a penis into an animal. My moustache was also painted with glitter. It was all fun and games in there. This guy sitting next to where we were left in a right huff. I think he must have been very drunk and possibly trapped in his seat behind a table. When he left, he pushed the table right out into the middle of the room, knocked over some chairs and walked out in a rage. Everybody else in there proceeded to give him a huge round of applause and he even got a standing ovation from some.

We went back to the other house, drank some sweet 'flor de caña' five year old rum. We played loud music and made a racket, I have no idea what the time was, pretty late I would assume as the bars had all closed. On the TV was a music channel, and on that music channel was some awful pikey song. We named the singer in the video 'Portia', no idea why but it seemed to suit her. We then named this girl there Portia too. The name stuck, I have no idea what her real name is but Portia will do. People were passing out, I think it was time to leave and get some sleep. I was on the air mattress on the floor, in my sleeping bag. I kept falling off. When I woke up in the morning I was covered in aches and pains, I must have fallen off a lot.

For some stupid reason, when I was drunk the night before I agreed to help the house mate move out. I bloody woke up around eight, god knows what time I got to sleep but I was bloody tired. I had a cup of tea, spoke with the house mate until the man in the van came to pick the stuff up, then I could go back to bed. As everybody else woke up and my brothers mate ruined any of my chances of getting a moments more shut eye. We all took our time getting up, dressed and showered and shit like that. We went to a pub for a bite to eat, the pub was completely full, and there was a queue for tables. What a joke Bristol is, all the bars and pubs are full, all the time. We went to another one round the corner. The moist individual came out to meet us again for a bite of lunch. We ended up driving around the afternoon with far too many people in the car. It was very very comfortable. I ate some roasted pork belly and mash for lunch, it was so tasty, there were all sorts of pies and sausages. The food looked, smelled and tasted amazing, very nice pub. After that it was time for football. Well, the second half of the Arsenal game. They were playing Chelsea away from home and were losing 1-0. We got to watch about fifteen minutes of the second half then had to go to the bus station to get a coach back to London. My bus was booked for ten passed seven and everybody else had theirs for five forty, I was going to try my luck and board this bus, if there was space. I managed to get on the bus, rather than waiting a couple of hours for my bus. I slept the whole journey.